Saturday, March 4, 2017

I Wish Her More - Slice of Life 3/4/17

Found on my classroom board, feels appropriate for this post.
The day began's Friday, I knew I could swim tonight, my students were fabulous...the day stretched ahead with endless possibility. And then, I opened Facebook right before lunch. I clicked on a link to a post on New York Times from a favorite author - Amy Krouse Rosenthal. 

I read the first two paragraphs. My brow creased. I tried to make sense of it. I scrolled back to the top, was this really by Amy? Was it a piece of fiction? Please let it be fiction. I quickly skimmed the entire article. (You can read it HERE).

My eyes blurred, my heart sank.

As many folks who read my blog know, I struggle with anxiety. This has not been a lifelong struggle, however. While I had moments as a kid and young adult, full blown anxiety attacks blessed me once I became a mother. Many friends talk about being "nervous" at times, or dealing with worry. This is more than that. I wouldn't wish full blown anxiety - or panic attacks - on anyone. Over the years I've figured out that it seems to stem from an all-encompassing fear that I will leave my children without a mother.

It is my greatest fear. I know, rationally, it shouldn't control me. As the boys have gotten older, the anxiety has lessened to some extent. Every year they are older, every year my anxiety decreases a bit, but it is still there like a guest who has overstayed their welcome. Over the years I've had students lose their moms. It breaks me. I've tried to mother them in my own way, but I know I'm a poor substitute. 

All this is to say, my first thought upon reading Amy's beautiful and heart-wrenching post was not of her husband, as the post intended, but of her children. They're grown, but not enough. My heart broke a bit more.

When it comes down to it, I think most of us will long for more days on this earth when it is our time to go. Amy's days are drawing to a close, she certainly deserves more than she has left.  But the days she has spent here she has used well. She has filled this world with light and love. She made a positive impact on those she knew. I wish her as many days left as she can have with her loved ones. 

I wish her more.

Slice of Life is a challenge hosted by Two Writing Teachers.