I’ve been
struggling of late. It began at the start of the school year, before it even
began. I watched friends I teach with get ready and was shocked that they had
so much energy! They were talking about everything they had done since the end
of the previous year. They seemed ready to start anew with a bounce in their
step and a smile on their face. I looked at them with envy. I had anything but
a bounce – I did have a smile. In fact, I felt a strong connection to Atlas. I
was weighed down.
Frustrated, I reflected. I knew I had created this issue myself. Being a teacher is a full time job. Sometimes I wish it only took up my brain space during the time while I was actually at school, but it doesn’t. It can’t. Beyond teaching I also:
Write for Choice Literacy
Run Choice
Literacy’s Twitter account
Read 10-15
blogs a day so I can share them for Choice Literacy and myself.
Schedule
the Nerdy Book Club post for Mondays, Fridays, and Saturdays.
Write for
my own blog.
This year I
added to that pile. I agreed to co-chair a canvassing committee for our local
referendum and teach CCD for my oldest son’s class at our church on Sundays.
Oh, yes,
and I also wanted – and was trying – to write a book.
Beyond
that, I am a mom to two amazing boys with two very full sports schedules.
I was stressed.
The school year began. My students are AMAZING. My stress increased. This year we combined reading and writing into one class – language arts. Previously I taught three sections of reading, one section of writing. Now I taught three classes each day – but all of that previous content needed to squeeze into those three classes.
Stress.
I added on
teaching our gifted students.
Stress.
And more
piled on.
I stopped
excercising.
I stopped
writing.
I stopped
reading.
It hasn’t
been pretty. I know myself. I say yes to too much, but not to myself. I want to
help everyone, and can end up helping no one. It is frustrating. I can look at
the list I typed above, know that I take on too much, but also know there isn’t
one thing I would want to give up.
Stress.
I don’t
have any answers. The world I am trying to hold up on my shoulders has not
gotten any lighter, and I don’t anticipate that happening anytime soon. What I
have gained is some perspective on what my purpose is, which I think helps.
Yesterday I
went door to door for three hours in our tiny town. My brother came with me,
desperate for folks to canvass, I had asked him. It meant the world to me that
he came. (Thanks, Ryan!) I wondered what it would be like – would people be
angry? Would they be kind? It was enlightening.
Many people
weren’t home, which is to be expected. Some don’t answer their doors, which I
understand. But I got to talk to so many people.
People who
were curious.
People who
were excited.
People who
thanked me for doing this work.
People who
were confused.
People who
were lonely.
People who
were sad.
I left my
shift grateful that I had been given the opportunity to reach out to my
community, to help in some small way. Watching others come back to report on
their shifts, I saw that they had similar experiences. It made me excited to go
out again next weekend.
Purpose.
This
morning I went to teach Sunday school, CCD. Talking to my former students, we
discussed forgiveness and sin. I was able to tie in so many lessons I had tried
to teach them last year in reading class. We talked about the book by Woodson, Each Kindness, that I had shared then.
We talked about their moral compass. We jigsawed their chapter, presented
information to the class, and then closed with a prayer for a student in their
middle school who is struggling. One of the students came up at the end and
gave me a hug. With a whisper she said, “I’m so glad you are my teacher again.”
Purpose.
I really
don’t have any huge words of wisdom here, or any great insights into the life
as a teacher. Mainly, I wanted to reach out today to any of you who are also
struggling – whether it is because you are trying to do so much like I am, or
for your own reasons. I think sometimes I forget to look at the bigger picture
and realize that I am doing some good. The day-to-day craziness overtakes me
and I feel weighed down. This weekend I have tried to step back and see my
purpose, and that helps.
Now you
know why I haven’t posted as much as I normally would. I’m trying to regain a
bit of balance, which means some things have shifted to the back burner. Writing,
unfortunately, has been one. Reading Ruth’s post yesterday (HERE) has reminded me that
I need to pull it back in, and I will, but right now I am headed on a walk. I
think that is where I must begin.
