I went to
church last night struggling with emotions for a variety of reasons:
- I was overwhelmed with a never-ending to do list.
- I felt let down by some people I was counting on for a project.
- Liam seems to be getting a cold and I wondered how I knew whether it was that horrible virus.
- I’m the co-chair of canvassing for our referendum and I feel like I’m making my co-chair do most of the work.
- I’m worried about getting enough volunteers for canvassing and I don’t know what to do.
- I’m worried that the community is focusing on the wrong issues for our referendum.
- I’m worried about teachers who seem overwhelmed.
- I’m worried about kids that are as well.
And as I
sat in mass, watching Luke trying to remember the jobs as Alter Server and
smiled. I began to feel at peace. The realization that I really cannot control everything and I
just need to let go began to worm its way into my brain. I relaxed and knew that I was working as hard as I can, but
the only person I can truly control is me. I cannot control the choices others make and I need to let go of that and focus on my own actions. What a relief. It was as if God had
taken some of my burden for me.
Mass ended and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw the grandparents of one of my students from last year. They shared how much she missed me and said she’d do anything to be in my class again. I smiled and told them to tell her I love her and miss her too. Walking out, I spoke to a few other parents as I grabbed a bulletin and stood in the aisle to wait for Luke. Looking at the bulletin, I saw the CCD teachers for the year listed. Next to sixth grade – Luke’s grade, the grade of that former student who missed me and wanted to be in my class again – next to them there was a blank.
I paused. My brain raced. I
don’t have free time. I can’t do this. Or maybe I can. I stood, silent, and
waited. Tears sprang to my eyes, I knew this was a sign. I walked up to father
standing outside and asked if they were struggling to get a sixth grade teacher
for that class. He shared that as of Wednesday night he knew they still didn’t
have anyone. He asked if I was willing to step in and I said I felt I needed
to.
Luke came
out and I thought about it the whole way home. I knew what I had to do. I
called and talked to the woman in charge of our religious education program and
volunteered myself. I cannot teach this week – I have to go through some sort
of training before I can be in the classroom, but if all goes well, I’m
teaching on Sundays now too.
Chris, the
boys, and I headed out for dinner after that. I sat at dinner, a bit quiet, and
reflected. Going to church I had been a mess. Angry, worried, irritated,
overwhelmed. Two hours later I have one more plate to spin, but I felt lighter
and at peace. It is such a good feeling to be on the right path, to know you
are doing all you can – and for the right reasons as well. Deep breath, a new
journey is beginning.
